ITS BEEN SO LONG

Random Thought: I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT YOU XANGA!! I APOLOGIZE!!

Wow i haven't been up on here in a long ass time......so many things have happened that i dont think i can really type it all....

And im not going to HA!!  oh well....where shall i begin then?

so I really like HIM...like i dont know what it is about him i just want to be with him...all of him...but the unfortunate problem is the fact that he has a girlfriend and it looks as though they really do love eachother....I know i know....its not smart having feelings for a dude who is already committed right!? Well before you jump down my throat just know that im not one of them girls who aspire to be a homewrecka...naw i wont do that....The good thing about it though is that she dont even go to the same college....so i wont have to see him kiss/touch/hug her everyday. Today i saw him and i gave him a hug....but he wouldn't let me go. He was just holding me for the longest time and i could sense that something was wrong...he said he was getting sick but it seemed more than that...or maybe i was just hoping that it was more than that....SHIT! I love him....i do....since the first day we met...he just lit up my day...why does he have to be taken...UGGGHH....but i'd rather be a close friend than nothing at all...I know im probably setting myself up for hearbreak but its kinda hard completely cutting him out the picture since he is infact in my department....::sighs::....go figure...

SO IN OTHER NEWS....I CHOPPED OFF ALL MY PERMED HAIR AND NOW IM 100% NATURAL...Im working with a lil fro as you can see in my profile picture...im loving it....NATURAL is the way to go ladies....and thats real!!

anyway...its 1:30 and i gotta wake up at 8...so i probably should take my ass to bed right?? Sounds like a wonderful idea....love you....goodnite!

Random Comment: I want to go back to school...right now...and not come back home until im wanted there.

So...I came home for the weekend....it's the 3rd time i've been home since i've left for school...i know thats a lot...and its not like im purposely coming home every 2 weeks..it just so happens it got planned out that way...the first time i came home to go to a sweet 16 but i didnt end up going...(long story)...and to get my hair done....the second time i came home was to help out for Choir day...and this time i wasnt supposed to come home but because i was asked to help out for Womens day I did. My friend was driving back home anyway so to save my mother some money and a trip i just came with her...my mom knew i was coming home mind you....so my friend drops me off in brooklyn at my church...and as soon as i walk in the doors some friendly faces greet me...then i see my father coming up the aisle in my direction...i knew he was coming to talk to me and probably make a joke about why i was here again....but he didnt...instead....he scolded me infront of EVERYBODY like he usually does....basically told me there was no reason for me to be home this weekend....i couldn't believe he did that....i was on the verge of tears standing infront of all those people....my godmommy tried to calm me down and told me to take a walk but i didnt...i took it.....she told me to go get something to eat because the only thing i had today was a stick of winterfresh gum and i was starving...but i lost my appetite when he yelled at me.....i hated him for that...so i calmed down a bit...of course i was still a bit pissed off at him....so when i get home...he's sleep and im thinking "good cuz i can't stand him right now".....but about 2 hours later he calls me upstairs...im thinking..."he's gonna apologize" but i was wrong...he had this horrible look on his face and was talking to me like i was a little girl...saying that he doesnt want me to come home with my friend whenever she's back....that i shouldn't come home as often as i do and that if i wanted to be home i shoulda stayed and went to school there....then he was mad at me because i didnt call him personally and tell him i was coming home....but i told mommy and mommy knew...how am i supposed to know that he wants to be special and told personally when i come home....

bottom line is....he hurt me.....like he really did....to the point where i dont want to see him....and i wish i wasnt home...i mean...i came home to have a fairly good weekend and he just ruined it for me....not too mention that i have a whole lot of other things on my mind...serious things...and he just made it worse....I dont want to hate him....but he's making it real easy for me to do so right now.....It's like when he was yelling at me...all the things he's ever done or said to me that has hurt me in the past came to mind...and that just made me even more angry....I feel like I'm the one always getting lashed at....and I'm the one that he pushes the hardest....and i can't take it anymore....

my 18th birthday is next sunday and i told mommy that i would rather be home because there is nothing for me to do at school....after i got yelled at mom talked to dad about it....and she told me that he said it was fine for me to come home....but i rather spend my 18th birthday alone than to be in his presence....I dont want to come home anymore....just because i know he'll be there.....even for thanksgiving....i even had thoughts about not coming home because of him....and i dont like feeling this way.....but he's making me feel like its NOT ok to come home when i want to.......my brother comes home almost every weekend and he says nothing to him.....but when its me....its a different story.....i swear he treats me the worse out of our family.....and i know he loves me and all that jazz....but still....there is no reason why i should feel like i can't come home....or that im not welcomed here because im in college now.....everytime i think about it...like this moment i break out in tears because i remember all the things he's done.....

I can't do it anymore.....I'm beginning to hate my father....and i never use that word cuz its such a strong word....but as said before...he's making it real easy for me to do so....

I want to leave.

Random Thought: Im worried about him...so much...

Its been way too long since i've talked to my dear friend who i love truly...before i left for school he told me that he was going to miss me a lot and told me the truth about some things he lied to me about...and i respect him for telling me the truth...I haven't really spoke to him in a while and its bothering me more than ever...I think about him a lot...when im around some of my guy friends on campus...i keep thinking "what is he doing right now...".....and tonight...for some strange and odd reason....i have a bad feeling about him....im almost to the point where im worried about him and i just have to hear his voice and make sure he's alright in order for my mind to be at ease...He is my boy and i love him to death...but i feel like he's been ignoring me lately...and i can't understand why...and i feel sad...almost to the point where i am in tears....i miss talking to him...because i can talk to him and tell him ANYTHING and i know he would cherish it and not judge me...I need to know if he's ok...I called him and left him a message...I instant messaged him....I even left him a damn message on his tag board...maybe im takin it a lil too extreme but Im so worried about him....i hope he's alright...

Random Comment: College is...well....interesting...

So Today marks the end of my 3rd week of college...and how am i feeling?? Im not sure really...i love it here...its awesome...of course i hate the fact that my school is in the center of str8 up hood...but its still awesome nevertheless...

Its like Temptation Island out here i swear....so many beautiful negros out here...lol...but dont worry im not trying to get into anything serious just yet...its only been 3 weeks...i have some prospects in mind though...quite a few actually...anyway...im on my way out...its a friday night and i refuse to stay in my freezing ass dormroom lol....i'll come back and get into more details about what i've been through already lol...

later

Random Comment: I LEAVE ON THURSDAY FOR TEMPLE UNIVERSITY!!

whooooo...so...im supposed to be packing all my shit right about now...but...im taking quite a long time to do so...im so excited about going...and i really want to go...but then im kind of scared...yes scared...yes I ashley is scared of going...not because i'll be in a whole new different state away from my parents most importantly my mother and such...im scared because its like adulthood is knockin on the front door and i dont know how long the lock will hold out lol....i mean i want to grow up...i want to become an adult...and i want to be independent...just that its coming at me WAYYYYYYY too fast...and even if im not ready its gonna bust its way in my life...so i guess i'll just have to take it as each day goes by....but im excited...i really am...and yesterday at church i went to both services...sang a solo at both services and plenty of people came by to hug me and wish me luck and what not...and i thought that i would be crying but...not one tear....i was cool...chilling...people act like im never coming back and truthfully i wanted to just laugh...im only like 2 hours away from home so they gonna be seeing me every now and then....but yeah...imma get off this damn computer and start packing some more....